Know What You Want? Find a healthy place between the essential qualities and dating diva directory.

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This seems to be an area where many singles struggle-often unknowingly.  It is only after ongoing frustration that they finally stop to analyze what’s not working in the dates and relationships that I have encountered.  What I often find, is that single men and women are unclear about what truly matters in an ideal partner.  There are 2 issues that make this an uphill battle:  Being too picky (having a dating diva directory of “must-haves”) or not being picky enough (”sure, whatever” philosophy).  Both can sabotage success if you are striving to find Mr./Mrs. Right.

There is a fine line between being too picky and being true to what you value most.  Some singles, in an effort to be selective, cross the line and create a huge list of requirements that are usually very difficult to meet.  I am the first one to emphasize that every person deserves to be in a fulfilling relationship and should be the one who chooses individuals based on the importance of their existing values.  The issues arise when this criteria includes items that are unrealistic.  To address this, it is necessary to develop a priority list.   

Then there are those who lack the knowledge about what is important to them in a potential date.  Within this category,  I have also come across singles who have some ideas, but do not maintain standards where relationships are concerned.  He/she is often the person who does not believe in their own worth, lacks personal insight, and/or is accepting less than they deserve to fill a void of caused by loneliness.  To address this, try creating your list of “essentials”, “would-be nice”, and “icing on the cake” items.  Remind yourself that you are worthy of a relationship that reflects your values and needs and be your own best friend and support yourself to say no to those who fall short. 

Affirmation:  If I know, love and respect me, others will be expected to do the same.

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Ignored, Disrespected, Criticized? You Don’t Need to Tolerate It

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This topic goes right back to your values and your commitment to ensure that what exists in your life is a reflection of these values. Also at the heart of singles who tolerate behavior that is unacceptable is the value that is placed on themselves and, for some, the strong desire to have a partner (on almost any terms) in their lives.

There were 2 distinct periods in my life where I have reflected on the behaviors that I tolerated from the people that I had been dating. The 1st period was quite early in my life when I was a teen and the 2nd period was my late 20s to early 30s, when the quietly brewing anxiety related to not being married peaked. Now some would say that, on a larger scale, the things that I tolerated were minor. I tend to disagree. Anything that takes a person away from their right to live with a sense of freedom and fulfillment signifies grounds for removal wherever possible. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20 right? Its so hard to see at that time. It wasn’t until I began to focus on myself, my development, my true potential and assets that I kicked it all to the curb and put the “whoo-hoo” back in my vocabulary.

Have you reached a point where you can reflect on your past dates and relationships with sincerity? Are you clear and driven to only accept behaviors that you are deserving of? If not, there is no better time. With each action that you tolerate, you minimize the value that you place on your own life. Start seeing the incredible assets that you bring to any circumstance, and you will no longer be willing to accept what falls below your standards. If it means that you lose a relationship (or potential relationship), then so be it. Eventually, when the dust (or grief) settles, you will see that it has only left more room for better. I’m sure you are familiar with the saying, “when one door closes, another one opens”.

Affirmation: I structure my life to uphold my true values and identity.

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Without realizing it, Marg started to carry her frustration with the online dating process around with her on each and every date.She admitted that she was probably a drag to be on a date with because she had become cynical about the outcome. Marg adjusted her attitude and let go of her internalized pressure to be in a relationship and get married. She came to believe that she will enjoy her ideal life with the right perspective combined with action taken that supports her way of thinking and desired visions. She recognized immediately how relaxed she was and saw the difference in the response from her future dates. The conversations were much more comfortable.

What would your last date say about your presence and interaction with them?  Would they say that you seemed anxious or pre-occupied?  Think about how you are presenting yourself and what you are getting from each encounter.  Give the gift of just enjoying and being to yourself first and foremost.  Your date will benefit as well. 

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