Know What You Want? Find a healthy place between the essential qualities and dating diva directory.

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This seems to be an area where many singles struggle-often unknowingly.  It is only after ongoing frustration that they finally stop to analyze what’s not working in the dates and relationships that I have encountered.  What I often find, is that single men and women are unclear about what truly matters in an ideal partner.  There are 2 issues that make this an uphill battle:  Being too picky (having a dating diva directory of “must-haves”) or not being picky enough (”sure, whatever” philosophy).  Both can sabotage success if you are striving to find Mr./Mrs. Right.

There is a fine line between being too picky and being true to what you value most.  Some singles, in an effort to be selective, cross the line and create a huge list of requirements that are usually very difficult to meet.  I am the first one to emphasize that every person deserves to be in a fulfilling relationship and should be the one who chooses individuals based on the importance of their existing values.  The issues arise when this criteria includes items that are unrealistic.  To address this, it is necessary to develop a priority list.   

Then there are those who lack the knowledge about what is important to them in a potential date.  Within this category,  I have also come across singles who have some ideas, but do not maintain standards where relationships are concerned.  He/she is often the person who does not believe in their own worth, lacks personal insight, and/or is accepting less than they deserve to fill a void of caused by loneliness.  To address this, try creating your list of “essentials”, “would-be nice”, and “icing on the cake” items.  Remind yourself that you are worthy of a relationship that reflects your values and needs and be your own best friend and support yourself to say no to those who fall short. 

Affirmation:  If I know, love and respect me, others will be expected to do the same.

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Is it important? Do they have it? Don’t Compromise Your Values

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Your values represent your personal index of what you consider most essential in life. No one is completely void of values. They simply vary from person to person and between levels of awareness. If singles do not take the time to think about those values, they can easily be overlooked when making important choices. One of the most crucial choices for singles relates to who you surround yourself with - including dates.

The problem with living your life with an awareness and adherence to things that you most value, is that many people cannot identify them. Many years ago, my name would have been in bold letters in this category of the “in the dark” about what I valued most. “You can’t solve the problem because you don’t know what it is” ~ A Course in Miracles. It also goes to say that, if you don’t know what you value, you can be sure that it is relatively non-existent in the course of daily living. Through my own personal development process (combined with repeated exposure to contradictions) I became quite clear about the things that are important to me. With this clarity, I was able to know quite quickly whether or not a person in my life was in opposition to or supportive to my particular values. It took all of the wondering and internal turmoil away. The knowledge put me in control. “When you don’t have a grip on life, it will definitely get a grip on you” ~ Jewel Diamond-Taylor.

I would agree that you can’t always have complete control of the people with opposing values where family and career may be concerned. You do, however, have a certain level of control in these areas. Where you do have exclusive control is in your social relationships and dating. Don’t give that control away. Know what is important to you, commit to its existence in your life and be prepared to move on if the person doesn’t fit.

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Without realizing it, Marg started to carry her frustration with the online dating process around with her on each and every date.She admitted that she was probably a drag to be on a date with because she had become cynical about the outcome. Marg adjusted her attitude and let go of her internalized pressure to be in a relationship and get married. She came to believe that she will enjoy her ideal life with the right perspective combined with action taken that supports her way of thinking and desired visions. She recognized immediately how relaxed she was and saw the difference in the response from her future dates. The conversations were much more comfortable.

What would your last date say about your presence and interaction with them?  Would they say that you seemed anxious or pre-occupied?  Think about how you are presenting yourself and what you are getting from each encounter.  Give the gift of just enjoying and being to yourself first and foremost.  Your date will benefit as well. 

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